TUG OF WAR

“Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking.”     "Sand and Foam," Kahlil Gibran

A hurricane rages within me! It is an ancient storm which does not abate with the passage of time. The divine and earthly clash for possession of my soul. The churning sea assaults my ship, pounding its timbers and testing its integrity. I yearn for a safe harbor, a changeless haven of grace, harmony, and light.

I have always been a restless spirit. Never feeling quite at home in life, I’ve wondered if I was born in the wrong time and place. Deeply affectionate and aesthetic by nature, I, like my namesake, King Arthur am on a spiritual quest for the Holy Grail. I never did feel loved or needed as a child, nor did my choice of a career in government nurture my creative potential. This dichotomy between my fundamental nature and the circumstances of my life causes me much psychic pain. When will this Great Divide be healed?

Does every person feel this intense strain? Or am I special because I cling to this ideal of beauty, unity, and love? Maybe a few of us, intuiting the loving and benevolent face of our Creator, never quite separate from Him. The embers of divine fire still burn in our hearts. We are comforted in the darkness of this Earthly Night by the glowing certainty of a radiant, Heavenly Dawn.

This profound disenchantment with reality holds great significance in the conduct of my life. Torn between my ideals and the world’s expectations, I feel lost and estranged. The world seems out of focus. Its overarching economic priorities are irrelevant in my quest for the Holy Grail of beauty, integrity, and love. Driven by self-interest and profit seeking, the economic Juggernaut crushes the more sublime human virtues. The majesty of a virgin forest, playful antics of a friendly dolphin, or awesome canvas of a star-splashed sky have little value when weighed on the scale of economic utility.

“How long will the drive for power and possessions dominate the Over Soul, the sacred gift of life on Earth,” my spirit implores? “That’s the way the world is. You’ll never change it. Better hold on to your ideal vision, and let the world go its own way.” Thus speaks my reason. Is it right? I love my life, my Lord, and myself. But what did He create me for, and why can’t most other people share my vision of unity among all life? Perhaps Kahlil Gabran was correct. In the end, the most any of us can hope for is to reach that “Oasis of Faith” that resides in our breast. Trusting in the divinity in our hearts, we must leave the rest to the wisdom of God.

Essay #6
January 31, 1996
San Luis Obispo, California